Welcome to the year and, dear reader (that’ll be me) I resolve to try and make myself sound a bit cheerier this year. Who wants to read about someone splurging their self pity onto the page? Hmm..It brings into question the purpose of writing. It can surely be a fantastic tool for relieving stressful thoughts from the mind or to clarify or untangle the confusion we all feel at times in our heads. In fact counsellors recommend this. I could do this discretely, sure, in a little black book but that leads me onto my second reason for keeping this odd record. Don’t we read novels to see the lives of others through time and place and look for universal themes that might resonate with ourselves? If someone (that might be me) can benefit from re-reading one sentence from this mashup of thoughts and observations then it has done its job. Thirdly – and this is purely selfish – it is a record of my life lived on the page ‘warts and all’ and that is all you need to know. For the moment.
So, let’s continue..
My new year’s resolution – as well as trying to be less gloomy with my words – is to make BIG changes. It seems now that this blog might be seen as someone going through a midlife crisis but what’s dawned on me is that clearly I haven’t been very well for a while, I don’t enjoy my job any more, I probably do experience some sort of existential angst every day BUT there is nothing to hold me back from doing what I want. I am single, I have money and I have the skills to go anywhere and teach. A big part of me really needs recognition. I have some major complex about wanting to have lived as full a life as possible. This is part of this (the writing). And I need to try and fulfill this this year. Have I said that a bunch of times already? Probably.
This could be seen as some vanity project although you can probably tell I don’t have a huge amount of self love but this year needs to be more about me. F£*k knows how many hours I spend on dating sites and apps viewing, matching with, ‘smiling’ at, ‘nudging’, ‘poking’ (!), ‘liking’ countless photos of people from the opposite sex, then messaging and then finally meeting them and fairly often having a relationship with them. I have to admit this is great fun, not in a sordid way but I love meeting people, whoever they are. Everyone has a story don’t they? And I never grow tired of real life stories. They’re OFTEN better than the made up ones. Have I said this before? If so, i don’t care. This is great but it does distract me from myself. This is another hangover from my protestant, prep school upbringing, I’m sure, but I have moulded myself to put others first. In a relationship, I am the giver, the carer, the person who makes things happen, tries to make everything all right but look after ME, buddy. God knows I could do with it and then think of the potential. ME first. I need to be a bit more Trump!
I did have a relationship before Christmas. I seem to have on average about 3 a year at the moment but isn’t it funny how they never quite get there? My fatalistic instinct tells me I need to live MY life a bit more right now and that I often go for the wrong type of person. I probably have a ‘pattern’ in therapy speak of going for people who need to be looked after. I don’t know if that’s true. Anyway, she was great: cool, fun, interesting, an amazing storyteller, beautiful, etc but – of course – a closed book, someone ultimately that I couldn’t really get through to. Isn’t it funny how there can be so much right and I get SO enthused only for it all to crumble the next time we met. This was me waiting for her at a cashpoint after the first time we’d met, always reading the signs..
but of course in the end the signs weren’t right. Ah, superstitious fool that I am. It is all a relief, though, because ’18 is about me. That’s right. Don’t stop dating but seize the moment, leave your job, do what the hell you want, explore every avenue that might hold some interest, some spark of life, get out there and absorb it all. I’ve been away in Neverland or never never land or some sort of alternate universe but now I’m back, ready to fight if need be and to find the strength to embrace it in all its glory.