Somerset 1.7.18

Back at the cottage. And it’s my month. The month of my birth. The start of the Summer holidays. The last time I’ll end a term at school. The last one after 10 years.

H’s party last night. It was cool. Lots of old faces: Tam, Fi, Nick, etc. They all remembered me and Fi and Tam and I shared crazy memories about wild, out of control parties. I think people looked at me wide eyed as if they were thinking “Jeez, what’s he on?” He’s even more happycrazy than ever. Just high on life, lady – high on change. What’s the secret to slowing down time? Novelty. It’s right in front of you. Just reach out and grab it.

I seem to have a penchant at the moment for dating girls with short celtic names. Isla. Gwen. Iona. Scottish. Welsh. Irish. What will become of these messages and flirtations and nights out? Am I just stacking them up, creating a buffer as a way of combating my loneliness and insecurity? Isla I’ve known a while and we’ve never quite made it happen. Gwen I met the week before last and she’s really fun and funny and a little crazy – totally my sort of girl but she’s 42. It’s mean isn’t it but I’d love to have a couple of little people running around. I feel like she might have lost interest although she told me she would “venture out for another date.” Let’s see.

Don’t believe everything I say. I am totally honest with you but I am also unreliable. I warned you about that last time. “3 MONTHS” without any tremors or sleeplessness. Well that’s not right. Looking back in my diary there are several entries recorded at 4am in April and then May. That’s my time. Like July is my month. Every day for the last 2 weeks. As reliable as any alarm. Eyes open and here I am. Another day and the light just leaking into the sky and the seagulls squawking on the roof with their young and me lieing there wondering what to do with myself. Gotta cut out the fags. When will it stop? When I stop getting f*%ked up, I guess. Well hell – spot the genius. And maybe a nice, sensible girl like Isla is just what the doctor ordered. But, but this is bigger than anything for me. LOVE. It should hit you like a steam train leaving the rest of life to fly past in a blur as you fall deeper, deeper, deeper. It’s absolutely not something that you make compromises about. No way. Let it consume you, spin you, dissolve you. It’s the greatest thing we have. And I’m prepared to wait for that ONE. She’s there somewhere. Just wait. Keep waiting. It’ll happen. I swear to you….it’ll happen.

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