Suffolk 26.8.18

This is off the scale. It’s almost laughable. I’d forgotten how bad it can get. Been awake since 2.30am and it’s now 7.16. Every car that goes past exerts more pressure in my head and chest. I’m trembling. Having to breathe hard to try and wrest back control – the old battle with myself. It reminds me of the old days when I was teaching full time and living alone at the cottage. The tension growing and growing, the feeling of my uncontrolled pulse  getting greater in my chest, my throat, my wrists, even last night I could feel it throbbing between my top lip and my gum. Weird. Eventually it overwhelms me like a tidal surge and I grab, grab the bed, flex my hands, punch my palms trying physically to purge the feeling and my frustration. I’m hotter and strangely feeling the coolness of the iron bedstead on the web between my third and fourth finger on my right hand calms me slightly but now a new complication: for some reason the heating is on and this creates a regular, reverberating, dull, metallic ‘clung’ in the radiator and the odd scraping, wet sound.  It’s not loud. It wouldn’t be a problem to anyone in a normal state of mind but to me it’s agonising. I must focus..

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