Bristol 7.10.18

One email this morning from someone liking one of my mixes on Soundcloud. I have to admit I listened to one of those mixes last night. It was a break from another fairly long period of abstenance. I don’t feel too shabby or guilty today. Firstly because I haven’t got drunk or smoked since September 6th (Oh, there was a few drinks and 1/2 fags earlier this week) but this has been a genuine first for me,. Secondly, I don’t (and don’t tempt fate here) seem to be feeling too jangly. It’s been a magical week of calm of no worries, no palm wringing, head pounding, chest throbbing and as I said yesterday I keep on expecting it appear around the corner. My old adversary. There’s a reason for this. Paramol.

You can buy this stuff over the counter but I swear it’s what has calmed me down each evening. It’s an opioid so it gets you high and that’s the mistake I made last night. I took far more than I should have done and before I knew it an empty bottle of wine, 2 beer cans and an ashtray with 2 butts lay in front of me. Today, miraculously, I haven’t felt like beating myself about it. Suck it up. Move on. I do intend to pursue another 3 weeks of abstinence – no drugs, no fags, no getting drunk ( a few drinks is tolerated). That takes me to half term and I review the sleeping situation. I still haven’t got in touch with Emma. I’m  £900 overdrawn and just can’t bring myself to sink another £200 into something I’m still not sure works. Maybe later this week.

Here’s hoping I have a full week of work this week. I’m feeling good about it. Bracing myself for more behaviour management and getting some learning out of more crappy cover lessons. How can I make these kids get something out of it and possibly even enjoy it? This challenge excites me. Come on, let’s see what I can bring to the school experience.

Spoke to Gwenever yesterday because once again she blew me out. I told her I thought something was holding her back to which she agreed. She said she still wasn’t sure about our dynamic which is only fair. It’s early days – well, it’s been 4 months but we just never get to see each other. I suggested perhaps we should be friends but then we both agreed how much we enjoyed each other’s company. She said “I like the fact we just find these crazy, fun things to do together”. I think she wants me as a ‘culture buddy’. Perhaps it helps inform her radio show which is called ‘Culture Shock’. No, there’s no doubt we have something – we have a good laugh. So we agreed to carry on hanging out and just see what happens. She’s going  away this week and then the week after she’s going to be living on my next door road so let’s see how it plays out then.

In truth, I’m lonely. I’m on a constant mission to meet people. I’ve volunteered to work for Bristol Old Vic and Trinity Centre, I play my tennis once a week (haven’t for 3 months) but just started again this morning. I prowl the streets interviewing people to get some human interaction. Yesterday I met Ozzi, a rasta originally from Brixton with  a lovely calm manner and voice. He seemed unhappy. He’d been through some shit, been stabbed by someone who falsely accused him of stealing a friend of his laptop. He was a good companion for 20 minutes as we walked from Jamaica St to the bus station. I gave him 40p and the address of where he could hear his story. Everyone’s got a good story haven’t they? It’s just getting them heard. How else do I get out there and hang with folks so I don’t have to rely so heavily, so emotionally on dates. That can become a killer. Always on a Sunday is when I think of home. Suffolk. But Bristol has so much and there’s a whole load of unfinished business here.

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