Bristol 8th May 2019

I’m sitting here crying. It suddenly creeps up on me and before I know it my head is my hands. It occurs to me that I’ve been here before but has it become more frequent? Is it related to teaching? It seems too much of a coinciidence. The weather isn’t much help either. It’s cold and grey with sudden violent outbursts of hail or heavy showers. Like always I have to make plans – things to look forward to – to keep me going but I can’t quite seem to make it. I’m forever running away and then wondering why I don’t have many friends in Bristol. That’s unfair. I am continuously, relentlessly proactive at meeting and staying in touch with people. A big part of me wonders about moving back to Suffolk to be near family and my oldest friends. Abandon this project, this ongoing solo mission, this self imposed exile. Often I try to explain why I’m here and I can’t articulate it. I’ve tried here before. The answer is to do with geography but this solitary life, exacerbated by the loneliness and lack of connection with my colleagues at my new job, is a ticking bomb. Will I have a different view when the sun is out in 2 days? Quite possible. And there’s one simple answer to it. Simple to name; anything but to find. We all need it.

Work is what becomes the main focus, the vessel with which i feel all my energy but this creates new problems as I think about it all the time. I’m back to the same headspace where I can’t stop. ‘What’s to be done? What next? It’s too much. When I’m feeling low like this it’s because of the stone around the neck of the next teaching day. Jesus, I’m nonly doing 2 days a week now but still I can’t feel any good until I’ve started or completed the planning that’s hanging over me. It’s back to where I was a year ago. Or is it? Yes, because I’m tired, irritable, sad and I have the nerves the jangles that won’t go away that I can’t seem to cure whatever I try. I have 2 hours til my first tuition lesson at 4.30 on a Wednesday afternoon so I must get back to it. I know I won’t come back to this so Godspeed you depressing entry. Let me let you go and I hope it’s done me some good.

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