Bristol 9th May 2019

Feeling much better today. In fact was feeling better by 7 pm yesterday evening. Just needed to achieve something to make myself feel worthy. How can that be right? Just existing should be enough. That’s how I feel sometimes. Or perhaps how I want to feel.

I wonder if this is a bit of a grown up snapchat with myself. Brief and vacuous opinions about living in the here and now. It could be worse.

Just had delivered the rather sought after second of the autobiographical musings of the great Jeffrey Bernard with probably the best book title ever invented ‘Reaching for the Ground – The Downhill Struggle of Jeffrey Bernard.’ As my snapchat buddies might react ‘LOL’. Well I did.

I’ve had a bit of a ‘Bernardian’ time of it lately. That is a gross understatement. I have not been drinking habitually from dawn til dusk and then resting my forehead against the ceramic of the toilet bowl to get some respite mid vomit. However I did have occasion to drink from dusk til dawn last Tuesday with a trip from my old friend/enemy, Ben halfway through the night. The purveyor. The man who never sleeps. That I can handle but it’s the Xanax that got me.

The next day, whilst tutoring a girl who has anxiety and needs help before her exams I nodded off three times. I was given my marching orders by her teacher mother the following day. The conversation started with me saying ‘How can I help?’ and finished with her saying ‘I hope you get some help.’

‘OK.    Bye.’

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