Bristol 19th May 2019

Just spoke to Bro for almost an hour. He has just left Berlin for the last time. They’ve given up their flat and their citizenship and he’s now back in Suffolk where it all started.

He told me he was driving back to Suffolk listening to ‘Disintegration’ by The Cure and felt a wave of ‘nauseating nostalgia’. For me this is one of those emotionally charged albums because I bought it when it first came out in 1990. I remember listening to it and especially the heartbreaking ‘Same Deep Water as You’. I remember listening to that and being totally swept up in it and also crying my eyes out to it after breaking up with G.

I was telling this to B and he said how when he was driving back yesterday over the bridge he was reminded of being 8 years old at the bottom of the stairs leading up to my bedroom hearing that album. He’s never told me this before. Were we thinking of the same moment? Strange. And also he was going to call me yesterday evening. The power of music. But also the passing of time.

Watching ‘Before Sunset’ which is so apt. It’s all about the same theme. They can’t come to terms with how life has moved on since that one night they spent together. She talks about having a dream that she’s 33 then she wakes up and she’s relieved because she’s actually 23 but then she really wakes up and she’s..33.

I have had a dream where i’m 34 and I wake up and i’m..44. I was telling B earlier on. This theme runs throughout the film. What if..? What happens to youth and innocence?

Added to this is my history with the film: watching it for the first time with A on her boat in 2005,  watching it in Sevilla in 2008, after V left the cottage and I was about to turn 40. We use art to signal our lives. But how quickly the time goes. And interesting that B feels it as keenly as me.

Besotted in a bad way with someone at the mo. Bad because she totally got me. She works in the bar in the Alma. And she has this incredible vivacity which perhaps should have been a warning. Charlie. She was so keen. Big eyes. Big smiles. And again is this that same gap. The gap between youth and..well.. later life.  She made a bCeline-(this is what came up on my predictive text. What’s going on? Celine is the character in Before Sunset). There’s a ghost in my system.

She made a bee line for me when I came into the bar. Making sure she was the one to serve me. Smiling. Looking over at me. Then again. Both of us smiling. Like in ‘Vefore Sunrise’ ‘Sorry, I’ll be right with you.’ And then 20 mins later she walked past my table and we both look up at the same time so we can catch the other’s eye. What is going on with that? Is it just flirtation? And how old is she? This is bound to be problematic. She must be in her twenties. She’s too young. And then she doesn’t reply for 4 days to my text asking her out and I see again and I play it cool and she gives an apology and says that the next week she has to help her mum move house. It’s a terrible excuse. A young person’s excuse and I don’t say anything and she immediately regrets it and it turns out her mum lives 20 mins from the cottage and not long after I leave and she looks sad and says ‘Speak to you soon’ but only because she feels guilty so stop going through these memories and analysing and hoping and wondering what if and what to write when I’m already feeling fragile and broken. It’s unsustainable. She’s a girl who wants to please but isn’t aware of the impact she has or is but doesn’t turn it off and I’m a fool. A fool for convincing myself. A fool for falling again. A fool for having too much hope.

It’s time to really focus. On me. Me me me me me. Don’t forget.

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